TOP TIPS FROM MY INCARCERATION IN DUMBARTON POLICE STATION

1. Try to get a cell on right hand side as they have natural light.

2. Take own toothpaste-last known of here 6 months ago.

3. If you want company and/or people to conspire/contemplate with ask if you can go 3 to a cell. 2 is not allowed by 'house rules' - you may have an unrefereed argument.

4. Be charming and disarming with the duty officer and they may let you take your food in with you,make extra phone calls etc.

5. If reaching the point of total despair ask the duty officer for their copy of 'Best of Hour Tunes' chosen by Simon Bates. 'It could be worse' feelings return immediately.

6. Why not make good use of your time with Her Majesty pleasuring you by writing up your Faslane Diary.

7. Spend time composing songs to sing on your return to the base such as this version of Take the High Road (verse 1, please add to if you know more) composed by my cell mates, Richard and Shantiketu during my first inarceration....

You take the north gate
And I'll take the south gate
And you'll be in prison before me
But me and my cell mates
will surely meet again
By the bonny bonny banks
Of Loch Gare.